Chapter Eleven

“I’d like to examine that, if you’d let me. We can bring you back with some effort.”

I was dead. There was no Sakuya Izayoi. I had nothing with which to see, hear, or feel. I had become naught.

“Come now. That’s not true. If you were really all gone, you couldn’t perceive me speaking.”

I didn’t agree. I had no mind, had no capacity to agree with anything. No intellect, no thought.

“Perhaps not, but you still have a heart, as weak as it’s become. That heart still loves. I can see it.”

I had no heart either. There was no room for love, nor for pain. There was nothingness, and only nothing within it.

“That’s quite enough of that. Here, I’ll blow on the embers a bit.”

Little by little, the darkness faded. Taking its place was clouds of pink with blue tendrils running through it, just like the fog that had surrounded me on the netherworld’s entryway.

That seemed odd. How could I remember anything if I was dead? How could I see pink and blue if Sakuya was no more?

“Come on, dear. A little bit more.”

For that matter, I remembered this voice. It was strong, clear, confident, but also warm and caring.

“Yes, that was me. You came to visit briefly after absorbing the spring essence in Reimu’s home. I’m over here, if you care to see me.”

I looked around – Shouldn’t be possible, have no body, who cares? – and saw a fuzzy silhouette of a person. I blinked – How when I have no eyes? Doing it anyway. – and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands – I give up, nothing makes sense, just go with it. The person slowly came into focus.

The silhouette was of a woman, about my height, looking to be in her mid twenties. Her details and colors gradually became clear. A wild mess of short pink hair, topped with a blue cap that had a crested triangle on the front. Her eyes were pink too, though sometimes they showed flecks of blue when she spoke or moved. She wore a light blue kimono embroidered with white ghostly shapes and flower petals.

She stood there, hanging in the void of pink and blue fog. Her hands came together so that her sleeves covered them both.

“Good, you can see me now.” She gave a shallow bow. “It’s nice to properly meet you, Sakuya. My name is Yuyuko Saigyouji, the ghostly child.”

“You don’t look like a child,” I said. I had a voice now too, apparently.

Yuyuko smiled. “You’re talking! That’s a delightfully quick recovery. We must get you back on your feet straight away.”

Back on my feet? I looked down at myself, and realized that I had a self to look at. It was nowhere near as real or solid as my mortal body, but my ghostly form matched the shape of my physical self. I was more than naked; not only did I have no clothes, but I was transparent. I lifted an arm, and could see through it to the foggy world beyond.

At least my most sensitive parts weren’t obvious to the eyes. There were only suggestive curves where a lady’s hidden details would normally be.

I looked up at Yuyuko.

“So this is it?” I said. “I’m dead, and you’re the afterlife judge who will smite me for all my wrongdoings.”

“Heavens, no,” she said. “I’m a caretaker and counselor, not a judge. The judges reside in Higan, on the far side of the Sanzu River. The spirits of humans from Gensokyo rest here for a while, in my realm of Hakugyokuro. I offer to help them come to terms with their lives and their deaths. When they’re ready, they move past the River and face judgment there.”

“Send me now. I’d rather get judgment over with, and I don’t deserve any resting time.”

Yuyuko’s brow bunched up. “That’s both incorrect and a terrible idea. I’m not going to help you destroy yourself. Yes, you’ve done some awful things, but the very idea of blame is a difficult, sticky topic. Retribution-based justice has been losing favor among the judges of late. You’re more likely to be tasked with reform.”

I had no idea what she was talking about, and I didn’t care. All I wanted was to lie down and stop existing. Oblivion was the only possible absolution.

Yuyuko came closer and took my hand. Her touch dragged me back from drifting toward unbeing. I didn’t resist, but nor did I help her.

“Please,” she said. “Just let me show you what I mean. You needn’t do anything but watch and listen.”

---

Somehow, perhaps through the connection of her hand on mine, many metaphysical things became clear.

It took no time at all for me to see everything. It took longer for me to understand any of it, like looking at a complex painting or a fine-detail map. The information was all there, but a human mind needed to observe and process it.

“Look over here.” Yuyuko pointed at my guilt, my shames, my regrets, standing like a skyline of horribly-jagged buildings. “You feel terrible for killing Reimu and Marisa. Had things gone different, you three might have been friends. You feel just as bad for failing in the mission Remilia gave you, and you couldn’t bear to report that failure.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“I will, dear. That’s the next part. Look down there.”

She pointed, drawing my gaze lower. The baleful guilt-buildings were built on a foundation – and like any foundation, these were complex, multifaceted, made of interlocking parts. A lot of little pieces had combined to pave the way for an awful outcome.

“Remilia raised you to harvest humans, because that’s what her sister needed at the time. You didn’t know this was wrong. How could you? You were a child who grew up learning to kill.”

I slumped, feeling the weight of sins on me. Yuyuko patted my shoulder.

“Yes, eventually you’ll need to reckon with those deeds, but we have more pressing business now. The pattern of murder and feeding continued until... well, until shortly after this.”

The pink and blue below us parted, and one of my memories appeared in the empty space. Yuyuko and I hovered over the woods on the outskirts of Jinri. It was nighttime, but it was still hot out. Summer crickets chirped.

A girl trekked through the woods. She hoped the trees would conceal her, and the cart she pulled behind her, and the body she had thrown into the cart. That body had, just an hour ago, had belonged to a man who died of a knife to the chest.

This girl was me. I was bringing the body home to feed my mistress’s insane little sister. The cart bumped along the uneven ground as she pulled it. I wiped the sweat from my brow, looking forward to getting home and taking a bath.

It so happened that another girl was in the same place at the same time. A young human witch named Marisa was hunting for lesser youkai. She had a spellcard in one hand and an empty jar in the other. She hoped to find a fairy, kill it, and collect the dying sparkles. Such was a rare and valuable component for spells. She tip-toed along the underbrush, doing her best to move silently. She heard the cart’s wheels jostling against the ground, and she stood still.

I came by a bend in the trail, and we saw each other. We were both horrified.

I could have killed Marisa and brought home twice as much food for Flandre – but I had never been caught in the act. I panicked and ran, leaving the cart behind. I would return to retrieve it later.

The memory ended there, the fog closing up over it again. I knew what happened next. Marisa took the knife from the man’s chest. She later took it to her best friend, a shrine maiden named Reimu. Using the knife, she convinced Reimu to go to the Scarlet Mansion and clear the sky mist covering Gensokyo.

“That chance meeting in the woods,” said Yuyuko, “is what ultimately led to them killing the monsters who raised you.”

“Yes?” I said, impatient. “Is that supposed to be some grand revelation?”

“No, this part is.” Yuyuko drew my attention back to the structures of my shame, and made me look at something deep beneath them. Deeper than the support beams of anger and hate. Deeper than the foundation of distrust and fear. Deeper even than the evil thoughts kept locked in the basement. It was so far down that I never noticed it until Yuyuko metaphorically rubbed my nose in it.

“Right there,” she said. “Do you see?”

I did see. I hated it. I hated myself. I hated everything. My eyes welled with ghostly tears.

“I—” My voice cracked. “I should have been the one to save Remilia and Flandre.”

---

That was it. I curled up in a ball, and I wept. Yuyuko held me like I was her injured pet, gently rocking me back and forth.

We stayed like that for a while. I was a blubbering mess.

“Yes, dear. Let it out. Don’t shy away from the pain. You need to feel this to start healing.”

“Wh-why did it have to be like this?” I said, sniffling, rubbing my eyes. “I never wanted this.”

“Mortal life is a parade of madness and misery, and that’s true for everyone. The good news is: people can still love and support each other, no matter how bad things get. That’s where your misdeeds ultimately came from. Reimu and Marisa did the thing that you felt like you should have done. It burdened you in a way that you couldn’t understand, let alone cope with.”

“But this doesn’t fix anything.” I swallowed to keep my voice from cracking again. “It doesn’t matter if I loved my family. Evil acts are still evil. It’s too late to fix anything now. I ruined everything.”

“Mmm, not everything. Some doors are closed, but others are still open. If you can’t do the best thing, you can always try for the next-best instead. Believe me when I say, you can be redeemed, but you must work for it. There are people who need your help, the sooner the better.”

I rested myself from Yuyuko’s arms and tried to stand on my own. I sniffled again, wiped my face one more time, trying to compose myself.

“I’ll... I’ll try. I’m not sure what I can do, but I’ll try.”

She smiled again, pleased at my progress.

“I’m glad to hear it,” she said. “Walk with me now. Reimu and Marisa are waiting.”

---

Yuyuko took my hand in hers, and we walked. By sight alone, it looked like we were going nowhere. The pink-blue fog didn’t scroll past us, but it did feel like we were moving.

“I’m loathe to rush your recovery, dear,” said Yuyuko, “but as you regain your reality, time begins passing for us again. I’ll bring you to the correct path, and then I must leave so that you follow it alone. I have my own business to tend to, namely ensuring my gardener doesn’t commit seppuku.”

“Do you mean Youmu?” I said. “That blademaster is your gardener?”

“She’s a woman of multiple talents, but she’s much too grave. I hope my levity and affirmations will snap her out of it. I’d rather there be no more bloodshed.”

As we walked, the scenery around us changed. Slowly, like a naturally-clearing fog in the mortal world, the pink and blue around us faded. I could see trees through the mist, marching past us ever more clearly.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” I said. “How will I know where to find Reimu and Marisa? What should I do when I meet them?”

“You’ll need to figure that out for yourself, but don’t worry. If you have the will, you’ll find the way. Spiritual truths are real, material things here.”

“I have no idea what that means.”

Yuyuko chuckled, Hmhmhm. “I’ll just give you this advice: try to love them. It won’t be the same connection that you feel for Remilia, but try all the same. Understand that they’re lost, hurt and confused, just as you are. Treat them with charity, in the classical sense of the word. Show them the love of deference.”

“I... don’t know if I can do that. In my head, I can accept it – but in my heart, I feel no reason to love them.”

Yuyuko turned to me, gave me a sharp and intense look.

“Never look for a reason to love,” she said. “Love doesn’t have reasons. Love is the reason. It’s the fundamental fact on which other facts are based.”

With that, she let go of my hand. Here I realized the pink-blue fog was gone entirely. I now stood back in the arboretum of Hakugyokuro, surrounded by rows of immaculately-planted cherry trees that stretched away forever. My ghostly feet were on a cobblestone path.

“We’re back out here?” I said, looking around.

Then I turned and saw Yuyuko was gone. I was alone.

---

Not sure what else to do, I kept walking down the path.

It was uncomfortable at first; the cobblestones were rough on my feet. I ignored it and pushed forward. This was nowhere near the worst pain I had experienced recently. My ghost didn’t have a stab wound in the left thigh, so I would happily accept that trade.

After thinking that, my feet quickly felt better, as if my soles had toughened up from sheer force of will. Maybe that was a manifestation of what Yuyuko had talked about: spiritual truths being physically real. Keeping my morale up would lead to success, or at least improve my chances.

I needed to want to find Reimu and Marisa. I had to care about their wellbeing and be eager to make things right.

Doubt still gnawed at me. My resolve meant nothing, it said. We’re dead already, it said. The evil is done and can’t be undone, it said. How could I possibly atone for murder?

I was a bundle of insecurities, but I couldn’t let that stop me. Dogged determination was my only hope.

That’s when I rounded a corner in the path and found Marisa. Seeing her took me by surprise.

She looked like me: ghostly, transparent, nakedness that showed her shape but not her details. Her back was turned to me, and her hair was still that tangle of light-brown-yellow, though I could see through her to the trees beyond. She sat on the bank of a stream, her legs hanging so that her toes barely touched the roiling water. Where the path intersected the stream, a small but ornate foot bridge stood over the water. Marisa sat with that bridge to her left.

I walked up to her from behind.

“Hi there, maid-girls.”

She didn’t turn back to face me, just kept staring forward. Her voice was flat, disconnected.

I sat on the riverbank to her right, giving her a space cushion. My longer legs let my whole feet dip into the water. It was so cold that it stung, but I endured it.

“I’m so sorry,” I said. “I’ll never be able to apologize enough.”

Marisa took in a weary sigh, let it out.

“Doesn’t super matter nows. That ghosty-lady says: ghosts rest here for a whiles, then go over the Sanzus and get judges. Life’s all overs. Besides,” she glanced sideways at me, “was already probably deads from that bamboos. Spinny knife to the necks just finished it quickers.”

“Why were you two even there?” I said. “I spent the night at Chen’s place, just to have somewhere to sleep. I planned on setting out to find your house the next morning.”

“Had kinda same ideas. At first when you vanished into that weirdo blizzards, me and Reimus didn’t know what to dos. Decided should just head to my houses, hope to find Sakuyas on the ways. Got all the way homes, and knew you didn’t knows where I liveds, but didn’t feel safes going out searching in the darks. Slept at my places, then got up with the suns and went lookings.”

She held up one hand next to her ear, mimicking my motion from when I’m about to throw a knife.

“Used the cognation spells on that knives Reimus found in her courtyards. Knives belonged to yous a lot longer than Reimus ever had its, so knives pointed us in your directions.”

“... and straight into Chen’s game traps.” I leaned back, took in a heavy breath of my own. I wondered if it was possible for a ghost to get a headache.

“Yeps. Might’ve noticed them sooners, if not focusing so hards on cognation spells.”

“That’s the most horrible luck. I can see why Reimu thought I had tricked you two into becoming a youkai’s breakfast.”

“Not gonna lie thoughs – put mees back theres with a stick in my backs and hakkero in hands, would definitely still shoot yous, maid-girls. Killed best friends before my eyes.”

“I don’t blame you. If it’s any comfort, Yuyuko’s gardener gave me swift justice not long after.”

“Two wrongs don’t make any rights.”

“You’re right, they don’t. I don’t know how to make things better, but I think it starts with me talking to Reimu. Do you know where I can find her?”

“Oh yeahs, finding her’s the easy parts. Over theres.”

She pointed up ahead, across the stream. I saw what she was pointing to, but only after she directed my attention. It was so big and obvious that I should have seen it before now. Maybe it was revealed to me only because Marisa called it out, more of the spiritual nonsense that ruled this place.

A ways further up the path, a black cloud hung much lower than the pink-blue sky above. This was a mist of darkness, tangled among the tree branches. It moved away from us slowly, causing any cherry blossom it touched to wither and sink to the ground like ashen snow. Brief flashes of red and white flickered in the cloud, accompanied by soft rumbles like distant thunderclaps.

“That’s where Reimu is?” I said.

“That is Reimus, part of hers. Better hurry after, if you’re gonnas.”